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It's really hard to hold on to the feelings you have always held onto.
To treat him as ordinary when in fact, you wanna show how special he is to you.
To try keeping your cool because you know he wouldn't like it if you'd be obviously jealous.
To wear a smiling face even in deep pain.
To accept the reality of being just an acquaintance.
To let go of the person you dreamed to spend forever with.
To be forced to give up and move on though inside, you still wanna try...
“While I always do things for someone to be happy, I forgot that it’s me who needs it badly…”
-1-
There wasn't anything that appealing with a cup of tea with its boring brownish tint of hot liquid. Its smell used to have the ability to sooth and calm the nerves but it wasn’t that effective at the the moment. Ironic enough, her eyes were caught by its boring hue, which was vaguely similar to the color of the Mahogany table, and her nose was held captive by something else that lingered in the cool air conditioned room.
Ella Chen adjusted her blouse so that it hung comfortably around her petite frame. Her hands tightened their own hold of the cup of tea she decided to give to her friend. He had not asked for it but she knew better than to wait for him to do so. She knew well what he needed when. She did not know why she always had concern and care for him. She couldn’t just control herself. She wanted to show him just how much more he deserved and to help him overcome his previous heartbreak with the woman who didn’t even leave him with a valid reason or excuse for abandoning him. Apparently, she didn’t even give him a single breath of it at all.
Taking a deep breath to calm herself, she walked over and placed the tea gently at her friend’s office table. Once she straightened her back, she stared at her friend. She couldn’t help but sigh remorsefully at the forlorn expression he had on his handsome face. His gorgeous eyes were drooped in longing and his broad shoulders were slumped in depression.
Ella Chen gulped sympathetically. She wanted to comfort him but there was nothing she could do. She knew that her presence could only make matters worse for him.
“Mr. Wu …” she started with noticeable uncertainty, “… is there something you may want me to do for you?” Her eyes were reaching out to him; her brows knotted in genuine worry and concern. However, her friend was just too preoccupied to see it.
He looked at her uncertainly, as if he just woke up from a deep dream. “Oh uhm… may you please cancel all my meetings today?” he breathed in, “I just…” and out again, “I don’t think I’m in the proper state of mind to handle company matters,” he said while looking into her eyes, finally noticing her presence.
Ella Chen nodded gently. Reluctantly, she headed to her cubicle and did as she was told. After she finished her task, she sighed yet again. Her eyes trailed to the lost man through the glass window that separated her cubicle from his office. She could only look at him and let her emotions consume her whole being when no one was watching. She couldn’t risk him knowing about it. She couldn’t risk her heart because she knew that she couldn’t handle the rejection that may come with it.
She had stayed in the company for as long as he had. She had been his Secretary since his father had announced him as the new CEO of the company. Apparently, she already had her eyes on him since the first time she saw him. She had spent quite a number of times imagining how amazing it would be to be held in his arms and shielded from the claws of the harsh world. She imagined kissing him and how it would be beyond comparison to the joy that winning a lottery may bring. She imagined holding his hand and breathing in his scent and how it would give her a glimpse of heaven.
But it was as far as her imaginations could get. She knew that she wasn’t what her friend could consider as a potential life-mate. And she knew that she was the only one who had constantly labeled him as a friend, though he never considered her more than an acquaintance; a subordinate.
Her heart ached for him. She thought stepping aside and watching him fall for another woman was terribly painful. She thought seeing him fall for her friend was the beginning of an apocalypse to her small world – a world where she made him her King. She thought agreeing to bridge the gap between her friend and her boss was like being tortured and stabbed continuously by a blunt blade. She thought she couldn’t live watching them so happy and sweet together. She thought eating dinner alone in a local diner with nothing in mind but the image of her friend and her boss in a romantic dinner for two was like being a prisoner in her own body.
But no – they were nothing compared to the pain she was feeling now. It was as if there were thorns punctured all over her heart. And at every turn, the thorns dug deeper into her heart but not giving it permission to bleed. At least during those past agonizing moments of her life, he was happy. Even if he was with another woman, with her friend, he was happy. She’d rather see him happy with someone else than see him being rapidly reduced to skin and bones because of pain and depression.
And what was killing her most of all was that she couldn’t do anything for him to make him feel any better. She couldn’t…
She wanted to reach out and comfort him. She wanted to offer him her shoulder and show him how much she cared – how much she had always cared about him. She wanted to make him feel special. She wanted to tell him how amazing of a man he was; that the girl he loved would be the luckiest woman of all.
That was what one part of her wanted.
But the other Ella Chen wanted to tell him that she was here. She wanted to make him understand that she loved him and that she would do just about anything to make him love her too. She wanted to show him just how much she loved him and that she would never hurt him; that she would cherish him just the way he deserved to be; that she would always be loyal and faithful to him; that he would be the only man in her life. She wanted to tell him that she had always been here all along and she had been waiting for him in the dark all along. She wanted to tell him that she had been silently wishing that he could love her too.
Blinking away the tears that were starting to gather in her eyes, she went back to her boss’ office.
“I already cancelled all your appointments, Mr. Wu,” she said gently, “is there anything else?” She bit her lip anxiously and chastised herself for doing so. She couldn’t add up to the problems her boss had been having.
“It’s okay. You may leave now,” he said in a barely audible voice. Seeing him so helpless was tearing her apart. But for the time being, Ella Chen knew that the best way to help her boss was not bothering him by her presence. With a heavy heart, she bowed her head and got ready to head out.
“Ms. Chen,” he called out just as she was about to open the glass door.
Reluctantly, she looked at him, “Yes, Sir?” She went back inside his office and waited for him to speak.
“I…” he started vaguely. “I just wanted to ask if you’ve… seen Heb – her,” he uttered, pain was evident in his hoarse voice. He looked at her; his eyes full of helpless hope. It broke her heart for she knew that her answer might break his as well.
Sighing, she said, “I’m sorry Sir. I haven’t seen her. We lost our communication too after the two of you… well,” she bowed her head to hide her remorseful gaze. She really was useless when it came to him.
“Oh… I see,” his despondent face made her feel even worse. She couldn’t even begin to name the horrible web of feelings that were eating at her consciousness.
“I’m really sorry Mr. Wu. It’s my fault,” Ella Chen bit her lower lip, not chastising herself this time for she already ran out of options on how to stop her tears from completely spilling from her eyes.
Smiling weakly, her boss muttered, “You don’t have anything to be sorry about. Our relationship is… was not your concern. In fact I thank you.” The sincerity that laced his deep voice caused the longing in her heart to burn a bright shade of red. “Thank you Ms. Chen. The past two years had been the most wonderful moments of my life. Though I didn’t expect things to end this way—” he choked on a sob because of overflowing emotions. Nonetheless, he went on, “Thank you for introducing me to her. I don’t hold any regrets.”
Ella’s heart pounded on her body and she could feel the thorns digging deeper into her heart. How could he say that? Why was it that he always said things that could make her love him more?
Why?
Why did he prefer being hurt and abandoned by Hebe than to be with her? She knew she was not gorgeous enough, not sophisticated enough, not confident enough but… he really did rather be hurt by Hebe? Was it because being hurt by Hebe was better than being with someone like her?
“I... I don’t know what to say Mr. Wu. I’d better head back to my cubicle…” Ella said, not having the strength to hold on to hope any longer. She bowed politely and turned to go; her knees were literally weak.
She closed the door behind her quietly and placed a hand in her chest, over her heart. She didn’t know what to do anymore. She had waited for him for eight years. She had done just about everything for him. She had imagined all sorts of things with him. She even got as far as stepping back and watching him and her friend fall for each other. She even helped them. And until now, she was still the one whose faith and love for him hadn’t faltered one bit. Despite everything that had happened, she was still willing to wait for him.
And despite everything that happened, his treatment on her hadn’t changed.
He was her boss and she could only ever be his subordinate.
An acquaintance.
Nothing more but could be less than that.
She closed her eyes as she wished for the pain to stop radiating throughout her body. Her hands fisted in a helpless attempt to control her emotions from getting the best of her. The ringing of the company telephone caught her attention and she had to take several deep breaths to conceal the tightness in her throat.
“Good morning. Mr. Wu’s office; how may I help you?” she recited the same script, feigning enthusiasm in her voice as she did so.
She listened and couldn’t help but linger her gaze to the handsome man in black office suit a few meters from her. She watched as he reached out a hand to trace lovingly the feature of the person on the picture frame he was holding. Her eyes misted. She knew who it was.
The call ended before she knew it. Silently, she wished she didn’t miss an important detail. She muttered some gratitude and waited for the person on the other line to end the call before settling the phone herself on its cradle.
She waited for the fax machine to finish printing.
Thursday. Three days from now. A two-day meeting at Kaohsiung with the Chairman of the board of directors, Mr. Harold Wu. Two days that may help him forget about Hebe. And she promised that she will do everything to help him forget about her.
“It’s up to you where to stay but before you abandon me, at least tell me why because if there’s a thing that’s worse than being abandoned, it’s the pain that comes with the knowledge that I’m not even worth of an explanation…”
-2-
The conference room was oddly suffocating. Chun looked at the board of directors, one after another, all dressed up in office suits with their laptops in front of them. The looks on their faces were similar to an impassive judge in a court trial – ready to hear and not to listen. Their eyes didn’t even show any sign of empathy. They knew that he had been in a tough road for the past months but they didn’t care. Business was all they cared about. He felt like he was sinking in a quicksand of despair. No one could understand him. No one was there to show him support. No one cared if his heart was bleeding as long as he could handle the company well.
He was only human. Weakness was something humans like him were vulnerable to. Heartbreak was something humans like him were bound to experience. Love was something humans like him cannot escape from.
If you were someone who hadn’t experienced any of these, then you were not human. You were a businessman. Someone who gave more damn about business and the materiality of things than to spare five seconds of their life telling someone in distress that everything would get better.
His eyes caught the questioning gaze of his father. Harold Wu’s piercing gaze stabbed at his heart. Never in his life had this man who claimed himself as his father treated him as a human being. He didn’t care about his emotions at all. He pampered him with education, etiquette and moral but those weren’t because he was his only son. Those were for the lone purpose of producing a well-refined and perfectly honed heir to his business empire.
He wasn’t a person for his father. He was a labeled possession; a commodity.
Everyone’s attentions were caught by the light screech of the door. The door opened and a petite lady with short black hair, hazel-brown eyes, button nose, and pouty lips walked in with ring-bonded documents in her hands. She struggled to keep the heavy weight of papers in her hands from falling and reached out to hand each of the members of the board a copy.
His gaze traveled through her. He couldn’t find the right words to describe her. She was a woman of independence. She wasn’t like other women who wanted to be treated with special treatments. She was someone who wanted even levels and equal treatments between men and women. Nonetheless, despite her prim exterior and long list of principles, she was compassionate. She was always there and ready to give him a hand. She never complained about anything. She was always striving to get the best outcome of whatever she was doing. She was dedicated to her work and loyal to him. She could understand him. He knew that she was the only one who could.
But she was not Hebe.
After she finished distributing the documents, she stood at one corner of the room and gave him a smile of encouragement. It was as if she was trying to tell him that everything would be alright. And unknowingly, his lips curved in a small smile itself.
-3-
The meeting ended well, despite the heavy follow-up questions upon questions of the board. They were never easy on him. Still, Chun was glad that he was able to reason out well. His justifications and explanations were accepted. The meeting ended at seven and everyone were dismissed and headed out of the conference room to have dinner at the restaurant of the hotel.
The hotel was owned by the company and there was a private restaurant where the executives were the only ones allowed to occupy. It was located at the highest floor of the building and was designed to give a glimpse of the relaxing night life.
Despite the exquisite cuisine, relaxing view and calming melody brought by the waves of sounds from the piano, Chun didn’t have the appetite to eat. His gaze lingered at the skyline view of Kaohsiung and lost himself in it. Food seemed tasteless since she disappeared two months ago. She didn’t even give him any explanation. Not even a hint except for a lone text message saying she was sorry and wanted an out of their relationship. It drove him crazy. He looked for her everywhere and tried calling her but she already changed her numbers and moved out of her condo unit.
He’d never experienced such a crippling heartbreak. He felt like he was lost in the crossroads. His life had no direction anymore. He needed her. At least, he needed to find her and ask her the reason why she ended their relationship. He wanted to understand her reasons for leaving him. Did he do something? Did he spend more time in the office than with her? Had he failed to tell her and show her how much he loved her? Had she found someone else? Had she ran out of love? Was she forced to leave?
There were tons of questions in his mind and he didn’t know what to make of them. He needed to find her with whatever it takes.
The sound of someone clearing her throat tore his gaze from the window. “Mr. Wu, I know that I don’t have the right to implore anything but… you look really tired and distressed,” he heard her say. He became suddenly aware of the lines of worry on her smooth forehead as she looked at him with concern. “Even if you don’t have the appetite, please… eat. You might get sick,” she said, her pensive gaze remained locked with his.
Instead of feeling annoyed by her remark, he felt warmed. At least there was still someone who cared enough to treat him as a human being. Even he himself failed to see his sudden loss of weight. He smiled wistfully, “It’s okay Ms. Chen. I can manage. If you don’t mind, I will head out now. I… I need some time alone.”
With that, he stood up from his seat, not even giving a sparing look at his untouched food. He caught a sight of his father from the corner of his eyes. He was laughing politely while eating with the other directors. If Ella had noticed his sudden loss of weight and the lack of life in his eyes, why not him? Despising his father’s attitude, Chun swore he’d never do such a horrible thing to his future children, if ever he’d be granted.
He scolded himself for hoping. He should get used to this kind of treatment from him. Somehow, it made him wonder why his father exploded when he failed to introduce Hebe to him. Chun didn’t tell him about Hebe because he thought he was not interested in getting to know the person who caught the heart of his heir. However, Chun knew better than to ask him about his behavior. Harold Wu always had a flare of unpredictable temper and vaguely understandable sense of reasoning. He even wondered what made him the stone of a man that he was now. He was incapable of loving; because of it, he was also incapable of being loved.
-4-
The faint rays of light eased their way through the thin slits of the closed curtain. Finally, Chun was able to find peace by being alone in his room. Sprawled carelessly in the carpet, he leaned his back at the edge of his bed and stared blankly at his vague reflection in the glass door that lead to the veranda. There was no one else there to keep him company. However, he was never abandoned by darkness, silence, and liquor. They were his most loyal company especially during moments when human companionship had deserted him. The bittersweet taste travelled through his dried throat and settled in his stomach. It ignited something from within his being and he could feel the ignition creating sparks. Despite the unsettling feeling inside his body, he continued drowning himself with his liquor.
His life had no meaning anymore. He had been deprived of love since he was born. He wanted nothing more than to be loved by the person he loved the most. He could endure anything that he may encounter in his pursuit as long as he had the love of life with him in his every single step.
Now, he felt like his world had no meaning anymore. He had spent the past two months sulking. He couldn’t stop thinking about her, wondering if she was alright, wondering what was happening to her. He couldn’t stop blaming himself for a mistake that may or may not be true. Despite everything that she put him through, he was still willing to wait for her. He was still willing to accept her back.
That was how much he loved her.
He tasted the sour tang of acid in the floor of his tongue. He couldn’t breathe. He loosen his tie and recklessly tugged open a few buttons of his shirt. His vision began to blur and he collapsed – silently giving his consent to be totally encompassed by oblivion.
“You have to admit that once you see that the person you love is in pain, you feel guilty as if you’re the one to blame even if you’re not…”
-5-
Without anyone as company, Ella became painfully aware of her surroundings. The graceful pianist at the platform in the corner of the room and how the slow tempo of the melody seemed to caress her scarred heart; the soft chatters of businessmen and gentle clatters of their utensils; the majestic hue of light offered by the chandeliers and how it seemed to illuminate and emphasize the vacancy of the chair opposite hers. Her heart ached and she gulped several times to ease the lump forming on her throat.
Chun left her and she didn’t have the right to protest. She didn’t have the right to ask anything about his personal life. She was just a mere employee. He expected her to treat him as her Boss. He wanted her to act ignorant of his sorrow and just concentrate on her job. The silent rejection was totally inexplicable. She needed a breath of fresh air to calm her senses.
She exited the exclusive elegant restaurant and dawdled in the hallway to wherever her feet could bring her. The hotel was big but she didn’t have the will to explore its majestic architecture and fabulous furniture. She headed to the elevator and immediately decided to go directly to the ground floor.
Her reflection in the metal walls of the elevator was anything but appealing. She looked ragged and worn out as if all her energy had been chased out of her. Her eyes were drooping and lacked the joy inherent to them. Her lips were trembling due to the words they imprison.
She stared at her reflection and couldn’t help but wonder what had become of her.
She was once a girl whose smile on her lips was almost permanent. Where was that smile now? The reflection in the mirror was what heartbreak could do. Her eyes misted. She couldn’t help but accept the fact of how pathetic she’d become. She was chasing after a man who was in love with another woman. She was in love with a man who preferred to be hurt by that woman than to look at her with suitor’s eyes. She was in love with a man who was incapable of loving her. She was in love with a man who did not even give her a chance to show him how much she loved him.
Her knees trembled and she leaned in the walls for support. She was nothing to him but a mere employee.
The thought brought tears to her eyes. She dashed out as long as the elevator opened. She chose to love him in silence for in silence she found no rejection. But with silence came the incapacity to execute her genuine love for him. It was terrible. It was like being a prisoner in her own body. She wanted to do something but would always act otherwise. She’d endured it all.
But now, she didn’t know if she could still endure for more.
“Ella!” a high-pitched voice called out. Ella instinctively choked a sob and blinked her tears away, hoping not to leave as much of a trace of her torment. She spun around and saw the smiling face of her delightful friend. She breathed deeply and quickly masked her dejected expression with something she hoped as a happy smile, “Selina, what are you doing here?”
A woman with long black hair framing her bright face hugged Ella with candid enthusiasm. Ella took delight in her friend’s embrace. It had been a long time since they saw each other.
Ella pulled back first and looked at her friend’s face. “What are you doing here? Where’s Jiro?” she asked. She walked over to sit at the couch in the lounge of the hotel. Selina smoothed the pleats of her skirt before sitting down next to Ella. Selina didn’t change one bit. Her fashion sense was still as girly as before.
“Oh that stupid guy. He went back to the suite because he left his car keys. I don’t want to go back so I told him I’ll just wait for him here. These heels are killing me,” she said grudgingly, pointing to her silver stiletto heels.
Ella chuckled in amusement, though her smile didn’t reach her eyes. “Then why did you wear it?” she couldn’t help but ask, though she already knew the answer.
Selina gave her a mischievous smile, “Because it’s gorgeous! You know how I always do these small sacrifices for fashion.”
“Yeah I know. I just miss that line,” Ella said thoughtfully.
A frown crossed Selina’s forehead, “Is everything okay? You look… well,” she hesitated, “you don’t look that good.”
Ella tried her best to smile and inject enthusiasm in her voice, “Nah. I’m fine. Just a little stressed from work and all but I’m getting the hang of it. So tell me about you and Jiro. Do I hear wedding bells soon?”
Selina gave her an intuitive gaze as she was not convinced by Ella’s reasons. Nonetheless, she answered, “No plans about it yet. The guy doesn’t have the nerve to propose. We just visited my aunt at P’ingtung and decided to come over to Kaohsiung altogether for a vacation.”
“Good for you. You have such a loose schedule. Aaron’s that kind?” Ella teased as she leaned back to the couch.
Selina flipped her long hair playfully, “Well, his conscientious being forbids him to be tight with his gorgeous Secretary.”
“Jiro’s gonna be jealous,” Ella gave a short laugh.
Selina laughed along with her. The unrestrained flow of happiness in her voice made Ella feel a strayed tinge of kind envy. “I wished he would but his trust was remarkable. I love him for that. Anyway, speaking of marriage…” she pulled out a light blue envelope from her bag and handed it to Ella.
Ella reached out to take the envelope, her brows knotted in confusion, “What’s this?”
Selina rolled her eyes, “An envelope! Ella, you haven’t changed one bit – still asking the obvious. Just do me a favor and grace us with your presence. Aaron would be very happy if you’d come.”
Ella’s eyes trailed to her friend and back to the silver inscriptions in the envelope. “Oh. So Aaron’s getting married,” she muttered.
“Obviously, yes. And I require you to come, okay? I’m the one in-charge of the visitors. It’s on Sunday, by the way. You still have three days,” Selina said while staring at her wristwatch.
“Okay. I’ll come,” Ella agreed. A change in atmosphere might be good for her. At least watching a real wedding could remind her that happily-ever-after was still in existence.
“Good! Now, I hate to cut our conversation but I need to go back to the suite. Jiro forgot the key to our room as well,” Selina ranted with equal fraction of amusement and irritation.
Ella could only smile in amusement to her friend. Jiro and Selina were a nice couple. She missed spending time with her friend. She watched as Selina headed to the elevator, struggling to keep her poise with her four-inch-heeled stilettos.
-6-
Muttering a sound of exasperation, Ella looked at her phone before bringing them near to her ear once again. Mr. Harold Wu called her a while ago and told her that he cancelled tomorrow’s meeting. He said he had tried calling, as he had technically referred to, the CEO but he was not picking up his phone. He left the task to her hands since she was his Secretary. Now, she was being forced by her conscience to leave the peaceful garden of the hotel and go to her Boss’ room. She knew better than leaving him a text message. Besides, something must be wrong. Even in the deepness of the night, her boss’ professionalism was still there. Never once had he ignored any of her calls.
He wasn’t picking up. There must be something wrong. She rushed back to the hotel and found the door of his room slightly ajar. Wasting no time, she knocked and called out his name. Hearing no response, she opened the door gently. It was extremely dark and the open door was the only source of light. Blindly feeling for the switch, she turned on the light only to find her boss sprawled in the carpet. Her eyes widen as she caught sight of the bottles of liquor in the slightly wet carpet. She gathered some of them were spilled carelessly.
As if on cue, she instantly walked over to her boss, pushing the bottles by her foot as she did so. He kneeled next to him and tried to rouse him, “Mr. Wu? Mr. Wu are you alright?”
She tightened her hold on his shoulders and continued to shake him but he did not even bat an eyelash. He was trembling and covered with cold sweat. Ella could feel her heart pounding heavily in her ribcage. She was so worried out of her wits.
Adrenaline ruled over her body and, with every bit of energy she had, she grabbed his arm and pulled him to the bed. Sweating because of sudden exertion, she positioned him comfortably on the bed. She turned off the air conditioner and looked for a dry towel. She wiped the perspiration from his face tenderly, occasionally calling his name; checking for consciousness. She could feel the trickle of tears from her eyes.
“Chun? Why do you have to do this? You’re constantly hurting yourself,” she said in a broken tone. She covered his body with the comforter and held his hand. She kissed it affectionately as her tears continued to flow.
Why did he do this to himself? Everything was because of Hebe? He was practically killing himself with liquor. Hebe was a very luck girl to be loved by Chun. “Why did she do this to you?” she asked tenderly, her voice laced with longing, empathy and genuine concern. She smoothed the hair matted in his forehead and placed a tender kiss there. “She doesn’t deserve your love and your devotion Chun. She doesn’t…”
She hiccupped. Her tears cascaded through the smooth planes of her cheeks, “Please stop hurting yourself Chun. Please…” she whispered as she her grip on his hand tightened.
“It hurts me,” she choked, pressing her lips on his fingers in a sweet yet painful gesture of longing for a reciprocated love.
-7-
Ella woke up and found herself still holding Chun’s hand. She muttered gratefully to the heavens for Chun’s face was already calm and held no trace of the tension it had the night before. Reluctantly, she let go of his hand and put away the bottles of whiskey. After she finished, she went back to his side, reveling in the freedom to look at his face closely. He looked so achingly handsome. After taking care of him last night, she realized how important to her he’d become. She couldn’t explain the deep fear that corrupted her heart when she’d seen him in such a state the night before.
Smiling brokenly, she let the words roll out of her mouth in a whisper, “I love you…” She bent down and gave him a soft kiss on his forehead.
Though how much she wanted to wait for him to wake up, she knew that he wouldn’t like it if his morning would be greeted with her face. She exited his room silently and closed the door behind her along with the treasured moments she had with him.
“There are three reasons why we lose the person we love. It’s either it’s meant to happen, we let it happen, or we made it happen. ”
-8-
The blinding light from the unforgiving sun passed through the blinds of the curtain. The fresh morning breeze seeped through the small opening in the window and created a fresh atmosphere in the room. A soft sigh announced the awakening of the handsome man in the king-sized bed. He lifted a hand and brought them to his forehead. There was dull, throbbing pain. He winced.
He had stayed late last night drinking to his heart’s content. He remembered the unsettling feeling in his stomach and how it seemed to kick all the oxygen in his lungs, pushing him deliberately to oblivion. He wondered what happened and who tucked him in bed.
He looked around. The room was clean and left no trace of the little garage sale the bottles of whiskey were having last night. He took several deep breathes before he sat up grudgingly in his bed. He looked at the alarm clock in his bed table and it beamed eight in the morning. He still needed to dress up for the meeting.
Ignoring his throbbing head, he proceeded to the bathroom and took his shower. He was drying his hair with a towel when he noticed that his suit was already prepared on a hangar. He frowned. He was certain that he wasn’t the one who placed it there. The image of Hebe flashed through his mind. He remembered the past and missed how she took care of her, how she always knew what he wanted and what he needed before he even asked for it. Sighing, he donned his clothes and prepared himself for the activities of the day.
Moments later, he walked out of the bathroom. He opened the drawer to put on his wristwatch. Just as he was about to put it on, he caught sight of a glass of water and a capsule of medicine. It was a pain killer. It was properly sealed and he decided to take it. It felt good to be taken care of, somehow. His heart swelled with unrecognized joy.
He grabbed his suitcase and headed for the door. When he opened it, he was greeted by the soothing face of his Secretary. She was wearing a white t-shirt, denim jeans and rubber shoes. He looked at her questioningly.
“Ms. Chen why are you wearing… jeans?” he asked. “It’s already eight thirty. Have you forgotten about the meeting?”
His Secretary bowed her head politely and looked at him again anxiously, “Mr. Wu, the chairman of the board called me last night. He already cancelled today’s meeting.”
Chun’s eyes were suddenly lit with fury. “Why didn’t you tell me?!” he demanded.
His Secretary bowed her head once again in apology, “I’m sorry Sir. Your father said he tried calling you last night—”
“Do not regard him as my father. How many times do I have to tell you that?!” he exploded with anger now. If only he knew that the meeting had been cancelled, he would’ve been searching for Hebe by now. Every minute was important to him. He didn’t have any more spare time to waste.
“I’m sorry Sir,” he heard her trembling voice say. “Mr. Harold Wu said he tried calling you last night but you weren’t answering your phone so he called me instead,” she explained, trying her best to make him understand.
“Then why didn’t you tell me?!” he repeated his question in frustration.
“I-I tried calling you,” his Secretary paled. “You were not answering your phone so I went over to your room. I know that I needed to tell you urgently but then I saw you…” she paused and took a deep breath.
Hesitantly, she forced her eyes to meet his, “You were drunk and…” she finally found her words after much difficulty. She didn’t know how to tell him that she stayed in his room, holding his hands. She didn’t know how to tell him that she took care of him last night. She didn’t know how to tell him that she kissed him in the forehead. She didn’t know how to tell him how much she’d cried when she’d heard him mumble Hebe’s name several times in his sleep.
The fury in Chun’s eyes subsided, “You… you were the one who took care of me last night?”
Ella nodded her head lightly, relieved that his voice had finally decreased a few decibels.
“You were the one who prepared my suit. You were the one who prepared my medicine. You were the one who put away the bottles of whiskey…” he narrated softly and slowly, as if trying to comprehend what was happening.
Ella nodded again, the looks on her eyes communicated something with his; something he could not understand and didn’t want to understand. Her eyes misted, revealing something like… pain? He was surprised by the naked emotions he could see in her eyes. However, the tugging at his heart by his masculine pride pushed back the growing seed of tenderness he was beginning to feel for the woman before him.
Brows knitted in outrage, he seethed. “What made you think you can come in my room and take care of me? Who gave you the right to think you can pity me? I don’t need you. I don’t need your concern. I don’t need your care. I don’t need your help. I don’t need you at all!” he exploded.
Ella’s lips trembled and her vision blurred by the tears collecting in her eyes. They escaped the rim of her eyes and flowed in a river of endless agony. The rejection was there, encompassing her fading existence; waning her obliterated world; destroying her bleak dreams.
She witnessed her world and dream crashing down.
Instinctively, she grabbed at his hand, trying to tell him to understand, begging him not to push her away. Chun forcefully yanked his hand away from her pleading hold, causing Ella to lose her balance. She stood up once again and crushed herself to Chun, hugging him tightly to her. The idea of losing him now and forever was frightening her. Helplessness completely engulfed her being and she couldn’t find the right words to make him understand her actions. She was afraid that her words might betray her so she chose to convey her feelings for him through her actions.
Grabbing Ella’s shoulder, he tried to push her away. He didn’t need anyone else’s care aside from Hebe’s. Hebe was the only girl for him. No one could ever replace her in his heart. “Stop it Ms. Chen! You’re embarrassing yourself. You stole hours of my life. I should’ve been looking for Hebe by now!” his thick voice was coated with rage. Just as he was about to say another word, he felt her lips crashed on his.
Her kiss was forceful and full of meaning. He could feel her soft lips moving against his and he tasted the yearning, the passion, and the love from them. The kiss was demanding, yet soothing at the same time. She was trying to reach out to him, trying to drive away the frost that had begun to form in his heart. Her insistence warmed something in him and he could feel himself relaxing in her tender hold.
But a sudden flash of memory made him freeze. He needed to find Hebe! Clutching Ella’s shoulder, he pushed her away mercilessly and looked at her with ferocious resentment that was meant to make her suffer the consequences of her precarious actions. With piercing gaze directed to the sobbing woman in front of him, he said in his cold, authoritative tone, “You’re fired!”
-9-
Wu Chun’s judgment was already corrupted by his anger. He could feel the tingling sensation in his lips and he lifted his hand to brush against it. The idea that Ella was in love with him was terrifying him. He sent her straight where she rightfully belonged and he never regretted what he had done. She dared kiss him without his consent! It was preposterous!
He paced inside his room. He didn’t care what her reaction had been right after he slammed the door shut in her face. Running a frustrated hand in his hair, he groaned out loud. He removed his coat and vest and loosen his tie. He sat in the edge of his bed, trying to gather enough logic. He wondered where to start.
Suddenly, a light blue envelope caught his attention. Frowning, he picked it up from the floor. It was an invitation. A wedding invitation addressed to Ella Chen. He scoffed. She really did stay in his room last night. He tossed it carelessly to the bed, not caring whoever's wedding it was. The flap of the envelope opened, revealing what was inside.
Then… his heart thumped in its ribcage in a frantic rhythm as his eyes were caught by a smiling picture of the woman who had always been in his dreams.
His eyes widen in horror.
“It’s always better to accept the fact that you are not appreciated than to insist yourself to someone who never sees your worth...”
-10-
Ella could feel the unbearable pain clutching her heart. She wanted to hide from him; she wanted to forget him and all the embarrassments and frustrations she had suffered because of him. She wanted to bury her memories of him forever.
Huddled in the corner of the room, she buried her face between her knees. She quavered uncontrollably because of the pain that continued to seize her existence. Her tears flowed in an endless stream of disappointment, rejection, and mockery. He derided her and made her feel like she was the most sordid of all women.
She sulked in despair. She didn’t care anymore. He fired her. It didn’t hurt. What hurt most was his rejection and how he accentuated it with his ruthless words and austere physical derogation. He made it clear to her face that he didn’t want her, that he didn’t need her. He wanted nothing from her. He pushed her away in the most painful manner she could ever imagine.
The door banged open, startling her. She looked at the direction of the door and caught sight of his burning gaze, eclipsed with raving fury. Before she could even think about what to do, he already grabbed her arm ruthlessly, forcing her to her feet. She could see him gritting his teeth in anger.
“You’re such a damned liar, aren’t you?!” he screamed at her face, his knuckles paled as he gripped at the blue envelope tighter.
Lost under his accusing eyes, Ella choked a sob and asked, “What are you talking about?”
Chun sneered tauntingly and answered, “A good actress too! I’m such an idiot, believing everything you say! No more.” He released his punishing grip of her already-bruised wrist and Ella stumbled backwards, thankful that the bed cushioned her fall.
“What on Earth are you talking about?!” Ella could barely control her outburst now. She was as helpless as anyone in her situation could be.
“You knew all along!” Chun met her questioning eyes with his prickly one. He threw the envelope to her and she caught it with her hands. Ella stared at them and then back at Chun, “You knew all along about her marriage! Why didn’t you tell me?! Why did you lie about it?!” Chun’s voice was full of conviction and Ella could only shake her head vigorously in denial.
“I… I didn’t know about this! Selina gave me this invitation yesterday just before the Chairman called me and I didn’t even take a look on it. All I knew what that it was an invitation to Aaron’s wedding. I didn’t even bother to ask who his bride is!” she said in behalf of defending herself.
Chun shook his head mockingly, not convinced by her explanation. He snickered before, with terrifying venom in his voice, he said, “Don’t give me that. Once a liar will always be a liar. You didn’t tell me about the wedding because you want me to yourself! You love me but my eyes are all on Hebe. It makes you upset and now you see a very good opportunity, right? I’m so sorry but your plot ends here Ella Chen!”
Not long after he paused, he felt a sharp sting in his left cheek.
Ella met his accusing eyes with hers, now totally eclipsed with disappointment. “You have no right to accuse me about anything! I was not entirely honest with you about my feelings but never once did I ever lie to you! You have no right to judge me because you don’t know what I’ve been through because of you!” a sob escaped her throat, despite her sharp tone of voice. “I love you and I don’t even know why or how it happened! I don’t even know what blinded me to even look at you! I don’t know what possessed me to stay with you, silently hoping that one day, you’d also notice me. I don’t know!” she pushed him hard, letting him see the naked manifestation of her pain and regrets.
“I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that I’m so stupid to even look up at you, to even worship you, to even adore you! I’m so foolish to think that you’re different from other men! I’m such an idiot to admit that I am so pathetic because you don’t love me. But no.” she paused, her eyes glisten with determination and newfound hope brought by a new realization.
“No! I adored a man who doesn’t know how to discriminate between his actions. I worshipped a man who doesn’t know how to stand up again after the storm. I waited for a man who only selfishly thinks about what he wants. I loved a man who doesn’t care about other’s feelings!”
His face blanched slightly by her words, thick with condemnation.
“No,” Ella shook her head disappointedly. “I’m not the pathetic one. You are,” she said darkly, pinning her index finger deep in his chest.
Giving the stunned man one last look, she said, “After eight long haunted years, I can finally say goodbye to you Wu Chun.” She reached for her bags and walked past him. Not bothering to close the door, she got ready to leave.
-11-
Ella’s mind was still shrouded with intricate webs of warped emotions. Her vision was still dark. She strode her way to the elevator and decided not to show her face to Wu Chun ever again. His words were like poison to her. He accused her of taking advantage of his situation when her intentions had been nothing but pure! True enough, she wasn’t very honest with him about her feelings for him but reflecting from how he acted when he found out, she realized that she took the right path! Why? If she confessed, what would he have done? She could already imagine herself being humiliated in front of all his employees.
She never expected him to think of something as judgmental. She’d always thought that he was a man of education, of morals, of compassion. Apparently she was wrong.
She was angry at him, she was humiliated, and she was disappointed. But above everything else, it surprised her that something pushed through from all of the emotions she was feeling. Despite all odds, her love for him pushed through, calming her other senses, soothing her mind, reassuring her heart. Where was her endless supply of hope and optimism coming from? She didn’t know.
Her expression was wrecked by the sudden turmoil. It took her eight years… serving him, adoring him, loving him… and now everything came into a sudden halt. She didn’t know what to make of it. She was taken aback by the turn of events. She failed to anticipate it from happening that was why she couldn’t think of anything to do. She lost her purpose in living. For eight years she wasted her time on Chun, dreaming about him, taking care of him, putting him in the pedestal! But now she lost him. And by losing him, she lost everything else as well.
The elevator dinged open, a signal that someone else was to occupy the elevator with her. She lowered her face to hide her wrecked and excessively dingy appearance. She had failed to tidy herself before leaving her room, not that she could still think about tidying herself especially after what had happened.
“Ella? Is that you?” a familiar female voice asked softly. Ella stiffen, not expecting the sudden encounter. She looked up wearily to meet the curious eyes of her friend, too tired to mask her broken expression with anything more welcoming.
Selina gasped at the sight of her friend and reached out her hand to give her a comforting hug. “Ella what happened?” she inquired softly, running her hands up and down Ella’s back soothingly.
Ella could only lean against her friend’s tender embrace; her reassuring touches caused her tears to spill from her eyes. She sobbed uncontrollably, letting out everything she had bottled up for the past years. She couldn’t trust herself to speak. She couldn’t find her voice.
“You wanna talk about it?” Ella heard her friend ask. Ella could only shake her head, her emotions getting the best of her.
Her friend’s broken expression pained Selina. She said sympathetically, “There there now… C’mon. Where do you want to go? I’ll accompany you.”
Ella nodded slowly and pulled back. Looking at Selina, she wiped her tear-streaked face with the back of her hands. “I’m sorry,” she said softly.
Selina shook her head, reaching out to hold Ella’s hand, “Nah, it’s okay. Let’s go.”
