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-1-
I can feel the weight of the whole world in my two shoulders. Weakly, I walked languidly to where my car was parked and drove off. I love photography and I just learned today that I qualified the entrance examination to my dream University. Everything just seemed so perfect. I would be staying in a dormitory like any other ordinary students out there. I would be taking pictures of things I love. I would be travelling to get a great shot. I would be free from the suffocating cage my parents locked me in. I would be independent. The mere thought of being independent is enough to swoon me over to the moon.
But that wasn't as simple as that. They've been my little dreams as long as I can remember. And, with the way things are asserted, I guess it would just remain as it was.
My parents' reaction to the news sent my leaping heart into tampered pieces. It was everything to me. It was everything I dreamed of. It was my greatest achievement, so far. And how I hope that they would be proud of me too. I want them to be proud of me. No. I need them to. But that's not the case. They have no heart for love. Greed already corrupted their hearts and took control of their brains.
I don't want to be the same.
I didn't realize that it's been three hours. I've been driving aimlessly through the quiet roads of Taipei. The place isn't as busy as it is in the main City. I never realized that I drove myself unto this area. It's where my heart carried me. A place away from the chaotic city and their luminous lights and fake personalities.
I want to be myself. I need to be.
I went out of the car and stared at the expanse of the open field before my eyes, almost plain black under the tin moonlight eclipsed with thick layer of clouds. The playful wind is undeniably cold and foggy. Realizing that I'm the only one there, I shouted all my frustrations freely, letting them all out to unburden myself. I feel so helpless. I hate the world. I just want a simple life. I never dreamed of something so grand. Just simple and happy life is enough for me. I want to pursue what I want! What I want is where I need to be.
Why can't they just love me enough?
I cried. I never thought I'm still capable of doing so. I need to break free. I want an escape. But there's no key.
And the cage is locked.
Though how much I wanted to remain on the spot and savour the freedom of sweet fantasy, I have to find a place to warm myself.
Rubbing my hands together, I spotted a coffee shop a hundred meters away from where I am. I decided to walk my way to the coffee shop. It's not that far, anyway. And I love strolling through the night. It seemed so far-fetched from my usual life.
I love this feeling.
Carefree.
--
I entered the shop and found myself a seat at a corner, near the windowpanes, so that the darkness of the night could remain my company. I felt blank and my future remains uncertain. I want to boycott my parents' decision. I want to pursue what I want, for the very first time in my years of existence.
But I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to build a life of my own.
I'm afraid I will fail and my parents would end up flaunting my mistakes right in my face. It would be a painful slap.
A gentle voice snapped me out from my train of thoughts. I looked up and my gaze got trapped in his.
His mesmerizing eyes and their sensitivity.
His gentle moves and the protection they promise.
His sweet smile and their freedom.
His luring presence and their warmth.
I was stunned, and for a moment I didn't budge. I wasn't able to speak anything at all. Concern etched at his forehead when I didn't get to answer his question. His brows furrowed in sheer concern as he repeated the question once again. My eyes trailed down from his hypnotizing eyes, to his poignant nose, to his velvet lips. I watched, self-consciously, on how his lips form every word, amazed at how soft they look. I was petrified in place, I couldn't move.
I was snapped out of my trance when I realized that he had laid his hand on my shoulder. Only then did I become aware on how my heart is beating frantically fast inside my rib cage and loud against my ears. I could feel colour creeping to my cheeks and I gulped.
I didn't know that I've been acting inappropriately for a couple of minutes. It just came out naturally. I mentally kicked myself for being so clumsy. My parents always remind me not to let anyone know what you truly feel. It's a chance for them to take advantage of your weakness.
Tearing my gaze away, I cleared my throat before I look at him once again. "Yes?"
He removed his warm hands from my shoulders and I feel myself bemused on how the warmth still remains there. He smiled genuinely and asked the same question he'd been repeating for quite a number of times already, "May I take your order?"
I bit my lower lip and, with slightly trembling hands, I reached over the menu table he offered me. I pretended to decide what to order, though I'm not really interested on what to eat at all. I don't have the appetite to feed my empty stomach when my heart, itself, is famished for love. My stomach's yearn for its own food seemed overlooked. "I'll get a cappuccino, thank you," I said, forcing a small smile to escape from my lips, and handed him the menu.
"In a minute ma'am," he bowed and went off.
I watched in awe at how he walked through the row of tables. Despite his diner uniform, his magnificence still radiated blindingly. I have never met a man who's capable of having such an effect on me.
I tapped my heart lightly and took several deep breaths to steady my breathing. True enough, he went back after several minutes and, with a permanent smile on his flawless face, he settled my order in front of me. I inhaled deeply, taking the sweet scent of the aroma into my lungs. "Enjoy your coffee, ma'am," he said, his hands behind him and bowed lightly.
I bowed too in response, grateful to find such a free soul to take into inspiration.
When he's already nowhere in sight, I drifted back to where reality reigns. My reality, that is. I'll be looking forward to another couple of years hoisted with royalty and pretense. I'm sick of it. I feel like a puppet being pulled into strings.
Before I knew it, I'm already crying. I've never felt this weak, this vulnerable, and this helpless.
I cried, as I watch the dewdrops traced its own existence in the windows, drawing a straight line.
Just then, someone sat in front of me. I didn't bother to figure out who it is. But then, what he said caused my heart to palpitate once more.
"Ella..." he begun gently, his hoarse voice coaxing me to look at him.
I did. Not because of his voice this time, but because I never expected him to know my name.
"How did you know who I am?" I demanded incredulously at him, looking straight to his eyes.
But I didn't see any sign of danger. His smile is genuine and caring. For a moment, I felt safe under his gaze.
"Who wouldn't know who you are? The future heiress of the Chen Empire," he narrated in a kind voice, and took a quick sip of his coffee.
I averted my eyes tiredly and laughed bitterly. "I didn't know I'm that popular," I told him boldly and sarcastically as I trace my finger around the rim of the mug blankly.
"Aren't you on duty? Why are you sitting here and talking to a customer? What if your boss sees you?" I asked him several questions in a row.
He laughed sincerely and I saw amusement in his eyes radiating brightly. "Don't worry. I'm the owner of this coffee shop. And you're the only customer left so I decided to come approach you. I hope you wouldn't mind," he said by the way of explaining himself.
"I see..." I muttered softly, not sure what else to say. I'm not really a people person. I'm an introvert and I do not know how to mingle with other people the friendly way naturally. I'm just not friendly enough. I don't have that much confidence.
After a short pause, he finally said, "I saw you crying."
My eyes shot wide and I swallowed the lump forming on my throat callously as I stare at him in shock. I don't know what to do. Should I explain my act? Should I tell him why I cried? Is he trustworthy enough? Is it appropriate for a girl to share something confidential to a stranger she just met?
I don't know how I should react, as I'm not good in handling these types of conversations. I've been used to keeping my emotions to myself.
I could feel a light, warm pressure over my fragile hand. He held my hand reassuringly and I felt secured. I don't know why, but something in me is whispering that I need to trust him, that I can trust him.
I didn't remove my hands from his as I begun, "My parents didn't agree to my chosen course. They wanted me to take over our business and they think I'll just waste my time if I take the course I want." I could feel beads of fresh tears flow down to my cheeks and I blushed slightly. I've never been this open to someone before. And I love the feeling of having someone there who could support you and care for you.
He smiled. I don't have a single clue about what he's thinking but that smile alone told me that I need not to worry about it, "I know you love photography. Don't worry. Your parents love you. And sooner, they will realize that what will make them happy is seeing you happy."
I cried once again for those thoughtful and touching words. He's such an angel. How could he possibly say such things and eventually soothe my aching pain and hatred?
And I believed him, almost instantly.
He went over to seat next to me and, with noticeable hesitancy, he wrapped his arms around me, knowing that I need this contact. I've never felt this much security around me, not even when I have a dozen of bodyguards surrounding me. I drifted off to dreamland as I welcome the uncontainable emotion and wrapped my arms around him too. He smoothed my hair with his gentle fingertips to relax me.
I never though that I would be able to establish such a deep bond to someone I just met. It's just that it's not my brain that spoke up to me.
It's my heart.
--
He offered to walk me over to where I left my car a few hours ago. It's time to go home as I know that my parents are already worried sick about me. They just don't trust me enough. And it hurts. But as much as I wanted to enjoy his company still, I know that he needed to rest himself. It's enough, though. At least I found myself a friend.
A very special one.
"Thank you so much for your company. It's such a relief to have someone to talk to," I smiled sincerely, my face flushed.
He smiled back and walked nearer to me. I continued to stare at his beautiful eyes and allowed myself to drown in his gaze. He reached out to extend his hand to me and said, "I'm Chun. It's the least I could do. It's such a pleasure to finally meet you."
I reached over to lock our hands together and we shared a handshake. "Could I come back to your coffee shop again when I feel like it?"
"Sure. I'm looking forward to meeting you again," he replied as he ushered me to my car.
Just then, the first snow fell upon us. A blessing. A benediction. At that moment, I forgot about everything. I forgot about the conflict between my parents and I; between what I want and what they want.
He's such a rock in the middle of a stormy sea.
-2-
The first snow fell today. And I can feel the remaining few drops of warmth from my heart being chased away. The first snowfall... it reminds me of an incident a year ago. An incident that only happened once... but remained treasured in my heart until now. I never failed to visit his coffee shop. If not twice, once every two weeks. I enjoy his company. I enjoy the way he lives his life. He lives it the simple, yet happy way. Unlike me, he has all the time bestowed in his hands. It's up to him on how to spend it. I wanted to be like him.
But instead of envy, I feel tranquility I don't envy him, instead, I feel like I wanted to be a part of that simple life he has. Slowly, in the coarse of those twelve months that all happened so fast, I felt like I needed him. Like I wanted to be a part of his life. I want to be more to him. To be someone else.
--
Do you believe in love at first sight?
A friend once told me, “There’s no such thing as love at first sight. How could you fall in love with someone you don’t even know? That’s absurd!”
I remembered myself affirming on that statement. I believe that one has to undergo certain steps and tests in order to determine if you really love a person. Love at first sight is next to impossibility. It’s just mere attraction in the physical sense. Love is not involved.
That is, until the first snow fell one winter night… a year ago.
It was, indeed, impossible. And it's a proof that impossible things do happen.
--
I love Chun.
But he's oblivious about my feelings.
And I can't demand for more.
It's not appropriate.
And I know that if I continue to get closer to him, if I continue to entertain my feelings for him, I would only end up hurting myself. It's not only because he doesn't have feelings for me, which I'm sure of, but even if he does, my parents wouldn't agree to it. They want me to marry someone within the circle.
And Chun is not.
I don't want to share with him the curse of my life, anyway.
So, I decided it's better if I stay away from him for now.
I didn't visit his coffee shop for a month. And it started when my father told me about my supposed engagement today. An engagement I never agreed unto. An engagement to a man I never knew.
But I have no choice.
I need to save Chun.
And I have to save myself too.
--
The first time the snow fell one year ago was the first time I was freed from my cage. And now, as the first snow fell once again, is the time when I'm going back to that prison.
It's called sacrifice.
I entered the hall, my face masked with a happy facade, my raven dress hugged me dearly as I try to recall the proper etiquette and conducts that took me years to master. With my right arm hooked to my father's left arm, while my mother is on his right, we entered the hall, as eyes set upon us, full of amazement and expectations. I could barely handle the overflowing prospects of business magnates. It's too much to handle and I know that I shall not make any single mistake, no matter how petty it is. I must portray perfection. And it's sickening.
We turned to talk to some business associates and I have to wear a smile all the time. How I wish I'm back at the coffee shop. It's the only place where I can be my real self. Even my own room doesn't feel like home anymore. I feel nostalgia awash over me and my thoughts flew to what Chun is currently doing. Is he missing me too? Is he busy? Is he tired?
Is he okay?
No! I mentally reminded myself. This is my engagement party. I have to be keep my thought away from him. He'll just remain as another distant dream. It's my own stupidity that made me dream about escaping from this life. There's no escape. This is my fate.
No matter how I try to deny it.
But God... I miss him dearly.
I scoffed mentally. Get a hold of yourself, Ella Chen!
A couple approached us and chatted with my parents about business and all. They talked about how to merge their business into one. And based on how they talk about it, I came into conclusion that these are my future in-laws. I tried to be cordial and smiled at them when my dad introduced us to each other.
"How lucky of us, dear. She's such a charming young lady," the gentle gestures of the woman towards her husband caused my heart to ache. It's like they have love for each other. And they didn't marry each other for money.
If they know how it feels like, then why are they doing this to their own son? Don't they want their son to experience the same love and happiness they have?
"The pleasure is mine, ma'am," I replied self-consciously and bowed slightly.
When I lifted my head back again, I heard someone approaching us. "Mom, dad!" a manly voice called.
My heart clenched. I didn't bother to look at the person.
"Oh, there you are dear," the woman said, a smile apparent in her voice.
"Good evening auntie, uncle," I heard him say.
"Such a refined gentleman you have raised here," my mother complimented.
I don't know what to do. I've never met this man before. And I don't know how to react. I kept my gaze on the tiled floor.
"I think we better give time for these young ones to have their own time. I can see that my Ella here is feeling awkward," my dad chuckled as he ushered for the others in a table reserved for them.
--
I remained rooted in my spot.
"Ella?" I heard him say.
I hesitantly tilted my head up again, and, with much difficulty, I turned to look at him. I bit my lower lip. He looked like him.
And it hurts me to know that it's only the face, and not the real Chun, that he has.
Even if he looked like him in some angles, Chun is still the one I wanted. The one I needed. The one I love.
"I'm sorry about the way I acted a while ago. I'm just... not so comfortable," I told him boldly.
He smiled gently and he reminded me of Chun once again. "It's okay. I understand that— "
"No you don't! You don't understand a single thing!" I snapped at him. He's trying to replace Chun in my heart and I will never let him succeed in doing so!
I saw his eyes eclipsed with confusion. I continued, "I'll agree to marry you but there will always be someone else in my heart. It will always be him."
He remained silent and I took it as an opportunity to excuse myself from his presence.
--
I dashed out, running towards the garden. I never thought that I wouldn't be able to control my emotions in there. He's just... he's just so like Chun and I won't allow him to try to act like him. He could stop pretending to be nice! He's not Chun. He will never be.
But what will happen to the merger? To my parent's trust? To the Chen empire and its employees? I have to be responsible for it. I have to be responsible for them. And besides, I don't want Chun to share the same fate I have. It would be very selfish of me. I don't want to rob him of his simple and happy life.
I need to save him by imprisoning myself.
But I love him. Could I bear the thought that I am married to another man but I love someone else? I don't even want to be on the same room as he is. Then, how can I allow myself to kiss him? Make love to him?
That would be utterly disgusting.
"Chun... I wish you're here to comfort me. I don't know what to do anymore," I whispered helplessly in the unresponsive wind as tears start to fall from my eyes. The soft cotton-like snows are pouring lightly in me but nothing could beat the empty coldness I feel in my heart.
I remembered what he told me one time. That if I am torn between two complicated things and I don't know what to do, I'll just have to toss a coin, and before I knew it, I already am expecting what I want before it lands.
I smiled bitterly and fished for the coin he gave me.
Will I agree to the engagement?
Head, yes. Tails, no.
I closed my eyes and threw the coin in the air. I could feel the frantic beating of my heart, as if it wanted an escape. And right in that instant, I finally know what I want. I want to be with Chun. I have to tell him; no matter how he takes it, I don't care. I have to tell him. The side of the coin that will appear doesn't matter anymore. Heads or tails, I will most definitely do what I want to do.
Snapping my eyes open, I took a step back when I saw that my future fiance followed me to the garden. His face is glowing under the dim light emanating from inside the hall, his eyes soft and mesmerizing.
But he's not Chun.
I looked down and turned to look for the coin. But I couldn't find it. I continued to search for it. Chun gave it to me. It's dear to me, just like its predecessor.
"I didn't know you're still keeping this,"
His statement halted me from my search. "What are you talking about?" I asked him.
He lowered his eyes and my own eyes followed his. He opened his palm and the coin was there. I wasn't able to see if it's heads of tails because it's hidden in the shadows. I tried to grab it from his hand but he closed his palm straight away.
"Give it to me!" my prompt demand. But his next action sent my heart into chaotic perplexity.
He hid it in his pocket and stared back at me. "What are you doing? It's mine! Give it back!"
His brows shot high and with extreme calmness, he replied, "Why is it so important to you?"
"Because he gave it to me! Chun gave it to me! Please give it back!" I could feel my eyes started to get watery again.
"I don't want to," he said gently, as he close the distance between us.
I took a step back, "Why not?"
He took a step closer and held me by the waist to prevent me from stepping back once again. My heartbeat came rapid and I stared back at him in confusion.
"Because it was mine first before it's yours,"
My eyes shot wide. I don't know what's going on. What is he saying?
"Did you already forget about me, Ella?"
What?
"I thought you have feelings for me,"
Feelings?
"Why didn't you pay me a visit for almost a month?"
I had enough. "What are you talking about?!"
"I had the same problem you once had a year ago. I love to cook but my parents wanted me to take over the business. But I didn't let them control my life. I put up a small shop in the middle of a road and I came to love it. I love having a simple life. But then one night, I saw a lovely lady came in. She seemed to be thinking about something. But then, I saw her cry. I felt my heart being pinched. I fought the urge to approach her but she's just too angelic to ignore. I wanted to make her feel secured, and I did. We became friends. But then, as time goes by, I wanted to be something more to her. I wanted to be someone in her life. But when I was about to tell her I love her, when I was already ready to confess my feelings, she stopped coming over. She stopped caring. I thought she forgot about me,"
My mouth trembled lightly as I look at him. He paused and took the coin out from his pocket. "But I was wrong. Because I figured she's still keeping this," he continued.
I wasn't able to respond. I don't know what I feel.
Unable to think about anything else, I asked him the first statement that crossed my mind, "Why didn't you tell me before that you're a Wu?"
I could feel his arms tighten around my waist, drawing me nearer as if he's afraid that I would reject him because he wasn't honest with me, "I was afraid Ella. I don't know how you will react. It's not that I don't trust you. But I enjoy your company. I don't want to lose it. I don't want to lose you just because I am me."
He burrowed his head in my shoulder and muttered softly yet sincerely against my ear, "I'm so sorry."
I broke away from his hug and turned to look at his eyes. For the first time since I knew him, I saw fear in them. Fear to lose me.
And I feel special.
Unable to contain my feelings any longer, I threw my arms on his neck and kissed him. Almost instantly, I could feel his strong arms hugging me to him. His hands are seeking and possessing. I could feel the butterflies in my heart doing somersaults. I love this feeling. I couldn't deny the fact that he feels so good. His lips are so soft and so sweet. He took control of the kiss I initiated and kissed me thoroughly, pressing me closer. I've never felt this complete. I don't care if I will be caged in a business empire, as long as I'm with him. It's more than enough.
--
And I know when it all began.
I came to believe in love at first sight.
Because that is my story.
Our story.
--
The first snow fell today.
Just like the first time I saw him.
The first time I fell in love...
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