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LEARN: That when you plan to get even with someone, you're only letting that person continue to hurt you.
CHUN
The night breeze was damp and cool against my cheeks. The darkness of the night seemed to consume my existence so that no one could see me in my current state. It's something I can personally thank the darkness about. The breeze blew harder and small, cottony flakes of snow entered the open window to the premise of my domain - the den where I, the notorious He-lion, had been hibernating for the past four weeks. The wind whistled in my ears and the white, flimsy curtain danced in its melody.
I turned to stare at the view and listlessly reached out a hand to cushion the fall of a snowflake. I watched in fascination as it melts in the warmth of my hands. Somehow, it made me wonder what's still keeping my body warm. Since the incident a month ago, I've always thought that my heart had already turned into a smoking frost of ice. Grunting, I tried to stand up to close the window. The strayed beam of light seemed like an abomination to my sensitive eyes. Wearily pulling myself up from how I was sprawled on the cold floor, I stepped into something cylindrical that caused me to lose my balance and stumble on the dusty cushion.
Carelessly, my eyes searched for the culprit and picked it up with my right hand. Scrutinizing the scrunched can of beer, I remembered that it was me who threw it in the tiled floor a few minutes ago. It just annoyed me that it appeared tasteless in my tongue. I trailed my weary gaze to the mess in front of me - from the scrunched cans of beer, to the empty bottles of whiskey, to the pile of unwashed shirts, to the abandoned remote control, to the crumpled sheets of paper, to the ruined lampshade, to the tangle of duvet, bed sheet and pillows, and finally to my broken phone.
A vaguely familiar tone snapped me out of my conscious thoughts. However, it still took me a few minutes to realize that the tone was emanating from the forlorn phone I was staring at. The tone seemed so distant and dull compared to the loud and uneven beating of my heart. I stared at it for a few heady minutes before reaching out to turn it off. I didn't even take a look on who the caller was. Why? What's the use of knowing who they were and answering their calls? Surely, they would be asking about how I had been doing for the past month that I hadn't showed up in the office. They would be asking why Aaron suddenly took the position in my behalf until the time when I'm already strong enough to get up from the hell hole I've fallen myself into. In fact, I hadn't considered it possible to pull myself up. This pit had been so dark, so cold and so deep.
And I knew that only one person has the ability to save me from my downfall.
I'm a lost cause now. I didn't think I'm still capable of living my miserable life for another week. How can one live, anyway?
I'm even surprised that I was able to live this long. Imagine? I made it until the fourth week...
...with a broken and bleeding heart!
ELLA
I had been stirring the warm tea absentmindedly for the past thirty minutes while staring outside the window - blurred slightly by the translucent mist brought by the visit of winter. Watching the passers-by wearily, my gaze suddenly focused on the thin reflection of the vapor evaporating from the tea I'd been stirring. It looked like delicate gossamer drawing an unfamiliar shape in the cold air.
I could feel the coldness of the winter seeping through the thick layers of clothes I was wearing. It even surprised me that that was not as far as they could get. Slowly, the coldness percolated through my thin skin, breaking past the barriers I placed in my heart. There it laid and rested, along with my rime-covered heart.
I never accepted the obvious fact that I was vulnerable. I had always been trying to portray a strong personality in front of everybody. However, without anyone in sight, I knew I was permeable and brittle. But I never admitted it, nor do I plan to do so in the future. I didn't want anyone to take advantage of me. I gained this position in my life through my conscious effort of building a strong resolve around me that no one could get through. I armed my heart with strong and thick battle gears to counter cupid's careless attempt to penetrate it with his arrow.
And no; not a chance that love could get past my defenses. I could not allow it.
It had been my belief, until last month's incidence rattled the resolve I thought was impossible to break. To my disappointment, it shattered in just a snap.
Inhaling deeply, I allowed the cool oxygen to travel through my nostrils and fill my lungs. I needed to breathe. The confusion in my heart for the past weeks had been intimidating. I didn't know how to handle it.
I exhaled slowly, and dropped my eyes to the cup of tea in my hands.
"He is still not picking up my call," someone with sweet, endearing voice said. I turned to look at the source of the voice and found myself staring at the brown, doe-like eyes of my friend. He came over to sit at the chair opposite mine.
"Who?" I asked in return, albeit indifferently.
He looked at me as though something was wrong with what I said. Nevertheless, he answered, "Chun."
I shrugged my shoulders and continued to stir my tea. Silence fell before us but I was not uncomfortable. I was not in the mood to talk about how my business partner had been doing or what his issues had been since he disappeared from the company. As long as he left someone to take care of his left businesses, it was fine.
"Aren't you even worried about him?" asked the person in front of me. I looked up and caught sight of his intuitive gaze.
I raised my brows and answered, "Is there a reason for me to be worried?"
He pursed his lips, as if hesitating to say what he was thinking, "Ella, his heart had been broken since you didn't show up that night and you know it."
"It's not a problem Aaron. He can just move on and forget about me. I offered to be his friend, okay?" I defended in behalf of my action.
It was true that Chun did ask me to come over to his house for dinner a month ago. I didn't know what the sudden rush of emotions inside of me at that time meant. All I knew was that I was happy. I didn't know where the growing flame of excitement was coming from but I didn't question it all the same. I welcomed it. I let my guard down and allowed it to consume me.
And that was, so far, my worst regret.
"Ella, I'm a guy and I know how it feels like. I'm not saying this because he is my brother. I'm saying this because you're my friend. And don't deny the fact that you do love him too. Why not give him a chance and let both of you be happy?" he asked, looking intently in my eyes.
I wanted to be defiant and meet his eyes with mine in a challenge but I found truth in his words. It stung and caused me to bite my lips anxiously.
"Aaron, you don't know enough," I said in a low voice, trying to find a way to escape the conversation.
'In fact, no one knows' I wanted to add. Whether they knew something or not, they could not understand me. So what difference could it make if I decided to tell him something? People are innately selfish and desire-seeking. I had been trying to fight that horrifying natural tendency.
"Try me," Aaron said, surprising me when he placed his warm hands over mine in the table. I didn't pull away. I stared at our joined hands, wondering how he can make me feel like I could trust him just by a gesture like that.
I closed my eyes and recited a poem. My heart started to palpitate inside my rib cage.
"The loud bass of my heartbeat is all I can hear
As you look at me and flash a smile that's so sincere
Your eyes are soft as the gentle zephyrs cheer
The blossoming emotions are so achingly dear..."
Through my closed eyes, I could feel my heart beating wildly in its cage as I tried to imagine Chun's face. His lips broke in a charming smile that had always made an eruption of butterflies in my stomach. His eyes, his soft and beautiful eyes, were just so enchanting and yielding I felt like I could remain under his gaze forever and not feel insecure.
"My fingers itch to trace the silkiness of your skin
Whenever your lips break in an adorable grin
I take a deep breath to calm my heart's fast beating
But shortly, I decide to give up and let my feelings win..."
Chun's skin had been undeniably silky and smooth that I wanted nothing more than to caress every inch of it. He held my heart captive whenever he smiles. I'd always tried to evade it. These feelings that he aroused inside of me were already melting my resolve. I never wanted to feel like I needed anyone to make me feel secured. I'd always tried to convince myself that I didn't need anyone to protect me and that I could independently take care of myself. I tried to shove off the feelings I had for him but it had felt utterly torturous to the point that I became fed-up and miserable. I let the feelings burst out of my heart, making me feel weak and lost.
"Your image always haunts me every cold night
When the moon's silver shreds sparkle with might
Countless times there was when I tried to fight
But I cannot turn back from something that feels so right..."
He had been in my dreams and I lost count of the times I get up from bed with a smiling face because I dreamed about him. Somehow, a small part of me wanted to be held in his arms and shielded from the coldness of the night. I was only so afraid to admit it to myself because I hated the fact that I was starting to be dependent on someone.
"The raven hair that frames your handsome face
It goes with the wind in a dance so full of grace
You tilt your face to welcome the sun's golden rays
And let the playful wind continue with its chase...
Your eyes look at me in a tender gaze
This sent my heart in a pit of complicated maze
The doe-like orbs that complement the angle of your face
Always touch the side of my heart where emotion lays..."
He had always been the gentlest of men I've ever known. He knew when to speak and when to keep silent. He knew what should be left unsaid. It was not because he is not true to himself. It was because he cared. It was not for the purpose of lying, but rather, it was for the purpose of letting the person discover his own faults for himself. It was something I had always adored about him. He had always been so caring... but I never entertained the idea of being the one that he should take care of. It was not because I didn't like him. It was because I didn't like the idea of being taken care of.
"Your shoulders are broad and your body is lean
The warmth of protection they promise is readily seen
But I can never let myself fall for this grave sin
I have to turn back even if the pain is crippling...
I clutch my heart to save it from its downfall
Trying to ignore its insistent plea and lamenting call
Tampered pieces of my heart scattered across the hall
Yet I ignored it to keep my sanity...
For could only ever be my 'Ge' after all..."
Yes. The idea of being with Chun had been so tempting I have to slap myself a few times just to shrug it off my head. I didn't want to accept or even just entertain the idea of having feelings for him. I knew that it's positive but admitting it to myself could lead to a serious disaster. I was well aware that once a person admits her feelings for someone, the feelings intensify exponentially. I didn't want that to happen. Intensified feelings could only mean one thing. Dependence.
I opened my eyes when Arron's hand squeezed mine thoughtfully. I searched his eyes, wondering what's going on in his head after I said those words. His gaze softened and his lips broke in an empathetic smile.
My heart sank. I knew in that instant that he misinterpreted. Yes. Those words were the also the inscription of what I feel about Chun, though it missed a significant part about unwanted protection, but...
"Arron..."
He squeezed my hand once more, "Ella, it's okay. You don't need to avoid him. You just have to tell him. Or just let him read the poem you write especially for him."
I gulped. Hard. That's just the reason why I couldn't tell him anything and most especially about the poem. Because...
"Arron. It's not mine," I said. It was my turn to hold his hand and gave it a squeeze before saying, "It's Hebe's."
I could never miss the painful disbelief that eclipsed his eyes at the mention of my sister's name.
HEBE
The winter was undeniably cold but the frost in my heart was colder. My feet were heavy as I try to walk my way home in the middle of a snow-coated street. Every step I took was a torture. It was as if someone had put a chain around my heart and in every step I took, the chain got tighter - choking me. My hair was wet as the soft cotton of snows melted against it. I didn't bother to brush them away, nor to look for a place to take cover. I didn't bother to hail a cab to take me home. In fact, I didn't know which way was home.
What will you do if you fell in love with a guy who never cared enough to look back at you?
What will you do if you just couldn't stop your feelings from growing deeper, even if you knew that he could not reciprocate what you feel for him?
What will you do if you tried to get the hang of things and tried to live by the bitter fact of unrequited love, only to find that he had already fallen for someone else?
What will you do if you were not allowed to do anything other than to look at them secretly with a bleeding heart?
And what will you do if that 'someone else' was your own dear sister?
I clutched my heart in an attempt to calm its furious beating. It hurt. Deeply. I didn't even know where to extract the exact word to match the pain I was feelings. The frost of the falling snow seemed to create a spell, making my fingers numb. How I wish it could cast a spell in my heart too and make me numb from emotions. At least I could be able to act normally even only until then.
I looked up at the dark sky and let the thin flakes of snow fall in my face. Beads of tears collected in my eyes as I watched the snow-coated branches of trees. I didn't know if I was strong enough. I didn't know if it was already time to let go. After all, four year of holding on to these feelings wasn't a short time at all. Confusion had never been something that I could tolerate well.
My feet brought me to a familiar place. It was a park filled with trees and swings. It had been the witness of my ups and downs in life. I smiled tearfully and I roamed my eyes around me, silently begging for signs. Suddenly, my eyes caught a sight of a tree with snow-coated branches. It didn't look as much different from the other trees but something was amiss, for it still has one leaf resting in its branch, refusing to let go despite the strong whiff of the cold winter wind.
My lips curved up in a sorrowful smile. Tears gathered in my eyes once more when I realized that the sign I was looking for showed up before me. Hold on, was it?
But my hopes died down when a gust of wind brushed against my back. The strong current tore the last leaf from the branch. Feeling the chain in my heart tighten once more, I instinctively turned around and walked away. I didn't want to see the leaf falling helplessly on the ground, with nothing to cushion its fall. It was then that I realized... no matter how strong a person is, she is just human, delimited by human strengths and limitations.
After the interpretation of the sign, I rushed back home.
It was time to let go.
ARRON
Ella left already. I offered to drive her home but she refused my offer, saying that she wanted to be alone. I could never thank her more for that. It wasn't the real reason why she refused my offer. Though it might be true, but Ella knew that I needed time to recompose myself after what she'd just told me.
Hebe wrote the poem. Wholeheartedly. I could literally feel the swirl of emotions in every word.
I could feel my heart shatter into million pieces. Hebe? Hebe loved Chun. She was in love with my brother. Of all the men in world, why him? Why did she have to choose him?
But no. That was not fair. My hand clenched inside the pocket of my coat, not because of the coldness brought by the winter breeze but because of the unbearable pain that came with unfathomable remorse.
It was all my fault.
If only I was man enough to confess my real feelings for her, if only I wasn't a shame of a man who chose to keep his pride than to face the possibility of being rejected, if only I gave it a try...
Nothing could beat the pain of losing a battle you failed to foresee. I should have tried, at least, to let her know my feelings. I shouldn't have chosen to keep my pride in her stead.
I had been in love with her for years. I had been holding on to these feelings while trying to look indifferent and casual when she's around. It was torturous. It was a constant ache in my heart.
I walked wearily as if all the life in me had been chased away. I didn't know where my feet were leading me. I didn't care anymore. In every breath I took, the pain intensified.
I couldn't believe the irony of life. Or maybe, I shouldn't bother life about my imperfections. It was all me. Come to think of it: I was so busy trying to patch up the path towards Ella and Chun's happily ever after that I failed to see that the way towards mine was already distorted.
A gust of wind flew by and I found myself standing in the middle of a familiar place. It was the place where I first saw her. It was the place where I held memories of her. There were countless times when I followed her to this place, watching her silently in her ups and downs. I never really had enough courage to show up and comfort her.
I looked up at the unforgiving sky and sought comfort under the leafless branches of snow-coated trees. Something caught my eye. Instinctively, I reached out.
A familiar silhouette flashed before my eyes.
Trailing my gaze back to my hand, I opened it to reveal what it was that I caught in my palm.
I found myself staring at a lone miracle leaf.
Without a second thought, I raced up in chase of my angel.
I enfolded my happiness in hands, never wanting to let go...
